Desire

There’s something keeping me up at night, I’m not sure what it is but there is a need in me, a thirst that can’t be slaked.  I toss and turn and wake in a mass of tangled sheets, my mind racing, full of sensations that have no place in sleep.  

While the rest of the world sleeps in preparation for the coming day, I live in a land of wonder and what ifs…

What if things happen this way, or that?  What if this takes a left turn or a right or continues straight ahead?  What if it’s just not meant to be?  I know I am not alone in my meanderings.  Is it a need for a sense of security?  It is number 2 on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs after all, maybe we are programmed to mull over the possibilities in a desperate attempt to understand.  It is through understanding that we gain acceptance, failing that we turn to the Gods in the hope that faith will get us through.

Maybe it is risk management and this is how I manage life, working scenario’s A through Z.  Planning the various alternative outcomes and charting a course back to the original destination.  Maybe, deep down inside I am an actuary.  It’s a bit late in life to discover my “true calling” but I don’t know that I could have lived that life day in day out.  My inner rebel would have found its way out in the oddest ways.  I’m thinking a salmon swimming against the tide here.

Could be I am a control freak, working to ensure all happens as it should in the world according to me.  Drastically re-working the plan because others have taken it off the path.  I mean, really world, who gave you permission to throw out the play book?

Perhaps I am a thinker, the world of possibilities always tantalisingly real. Big picture dreamer, you know, the kind of person that walks into an empty house and can picture what it will look like when the renovations are complete and it’s fully furnished.  Perhaps I am a painter of things unseen, a visionary of what is to come and a chronicler of potentiality. Sounds beautiful doesn’t it?  However, the less visionary out there would label me a daydreamer.  Ah, yes, the school reports are flooding back now.

I am either none of these things, or all of them.  Could be I am just a girl with too much on her mind, looking for peace and waking at an ungodly hour each night because that is what I am hardwired to do.    Mayhap that’s why the elderly sleep so much. After a lifetime of what if’s, this is their chance to catch up.  I’m looking forward to catching up on sleep in my twilight years.  With the state of my sleep debt, I should have a long and restful retirement!  

But for the moment I will return to my twisted sheets, my mind exhausted, my body weary.  If the Gods are on my side my yearning for sleep will win over my mind’s desire to set the world aright.  And if history is anything to go by, that 30 minutes before the alarm goes off is my best chance of catching some desperately needed shut eye.  I bid you all a good night as my bed warms to the rising sun and wish you all a truly illuminating day!