So, the day has come, today, Mother’s Day, was officially my first day as a single woman in 25 years. It was a strange day, but a good one.
It is sad that we were not able to work things out, but the decision taken almost 18 months ago was the right one and thankfully, the parting has been amicable and harmonious, which seems odd to most people but apparently surprisingly refreshing. I did not celebrate the end of my marriage, for that is not a thing to be happy for. Would I have liked things to have worked out? Of course, but in the end we just needed very different things. There has been much that we have been through together over the last 25 years and there is a respect and appreciation of the other which I am grateful for.
The last few years and months have been nothing short of tumultuous in so many ways. There has been no part of my life that has been left unturned, and as confronting as that is, running the gauntlet daily and having every pasture turned into… if not a mountain, at the very least, a steep hill (I am vertically challenged at the best of times), has been difficult and at times, if I’m being honest, crushing. I have changed so many things about myself already, regular readers will know the score on that front, I have chartered a new course for myself, I have let go of relationships, and I have quit smoking (again, and yes Joe, it is true).
So, I did not have a divorce party as insisted upon by so many people, sorry to disappoint - not sorry. I can’t be joyful about the end of my marriage. Instead this weekend has passed in two very different worlds, Saturday spent preparing, letting go of all that no longer serves me, and today, Sunday, the day my divorce became official, Sunday I woke, ready and energised, but not in a frantic way. Today I woke ready for what the future may hold.
This morning, I did raise a quiet Bellini (ok, and a Bloody Mary) with Saskia, my friend and Sydney flatmate, to acknowledge the past, to honour it and to celebrate what is to come. Today, I smudged (burnt a hole through my new pants in the process, but hey it was worth it) and continued the work of the last few weeks, months, years, quietly giving thanks for all that has been and ensuring I am open for all that is to come.
It was by no means a perfect Mother’s day, I called Mum, but she was out and about so the call was brief, at midday I spoke briefly to Deanna who was on a road trip and had a very short message from John in London, but it was a good day, a day of internal peace and calm, the likes of which I have not felt since... I can’t remember when.
It was truly a blessing and a good start to all of my tomorrows. They won’t all be this way, but I begin from this point. To quote Arthur Ashe: “Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.” So, I start here, now, using what I have, doing what I can. The world, whilst not shiny and new again, is open and irresistibly inviting, like the warmth of a wood fire on a cold winter’s night.
I need to acknowledge all of those that have helped me reach this point, and I apologise in advance for anyone I have omitted, I am getting on in years. Thank you Mark, Deanna, John, Mum & Dad, Cass, Alfio, Daniel, Joe, Karly, Anna, Dan, Shane, Ticky, Steve, Kan, Keith, Dominique, Cath, Saskia, Paula, Kerrie, Sandra, Sloan, Joni, Harry, Oender, Matt, Amanda, Victor, Simone, my grandparents and every one else that has helped me through. Thank you to those who watch over me, who guide me, who offer advice that I seem to not heed, who touch base and wait patiently for me to respond, what would my world be without you?
With love and gratitude,