I am, I will freely admit, a work in progress. I know that quite often it’s said flippantly as an excuse for less than ideal behaviour or thoughts, but that’s not the case here. Don’t get me wrong, there are times when I really don’t like myself because of something I have said or done, or even just thought, but I am aware of it and am working consciously to change it.
Obviously, this is a long drawn out process and we are decades in, but some years provide more progress than others. Some years I feel like there has been little change, and others I feel I have gone leaps and bounds. 2016 saw cataclysmic changes in my life, and sadly, thats not an exaggeration, but with great turmoil comes great growth. Whilst I don’t feel I actively worked on “me”, it was one of those years where circumstances force the the change and you just go along for the ride. It’s how we react to the events in our lives that define us and shape the people we become. So I have decided that I will take more control of me in this year.
It’s not a New Year’s resolution. I’ve never had much luck with those, probably because I’ve never actually believed in them, they have been either a last minute case of word vomit or a “standard” you fall back on when asked. You know, like the stuff you would tell the priest during confession when you were in primary school. It would be the usual fare “I didn’t listen to my parents” or “I fought with my brother” or “I ate all the lollies”. Otherwise it would be a fantastical creation that had no basis in reality, the kind would make a great story line for a movie by the Wachowski’s, you knew you’d gone too far with the free flow story when Father Murphy put his head outside of the confessional when you left so he could ID you later. A word to the wise, trying to put on a fake voice does not work either. But I, not surprisingly, digress…
It’s not a resolution, but rather a choice. It is something I have decided to take on. This infinitely increases the prospect of it happening. It’s not a wouldn’t it be nice if…, but rather an I will do this. The other factor that increases my chances of success is that this is an ongoing work. I’m only on page 120 of the novel (and it’s a long one), or on kilometre 5 of the marathon (sorry to all my running friends - it’s just a metaphor), this means I already have traction on this.
Do I expect to be sorted by the end of the year? Hell no! way too many layers of the onion to go through here, and lets face it, no one is perfect, you wouldn’t like them if they were. As the Wachowski’s put it:
"Did you know that the first Matrix was designed to be a perfect human world where none suffered, where everyone would be happy? It was a disaster. No one would accept the program.”
And besides, I like some of my flaws, they make me, well… me. So the year ahead will be spent embracing the good parts of me (even the parts that are bad but good in their own way), fine tuning the rough edges and beating the crap out of the things that require wholesale change. Hope that 2017 sees you find more of you. Peace love, health and happiness to you all.